Hit a very nasty low point. Anger, frustration, and then the tears. Feelings of incompetence overwhelm me. My logical brain knows I can do this; what I have so far is probably minimally sufficient but my anxiety has taken over.
Back to the drawing board, literally. The Wall and the markers now guide draft 4 of the research plan.
To review:
Problem Analysis: good to very good
Perspective: solid
Research Plan: work in progress
Proposal: some good ideas but nothing concrete
Personal Role: uuggghhh

Woke up thinking about the inadequacy of the research plan…I didn’t connect to all the learning I’ve done. DUH! That’s the point of this paper/exam.
So I’ve run out of newsprint (only had one piece that I’ve now used both sides of). I had mostly been re-using my paper as I went along (print on the back side after rejecting the front). But I found 5 one-sided pieces this morning which I’ve taped together and put on the Wall.
RESEARCH PLAN…cite, cite, cite

I have explained my ideas over and over. I have mapped them out on the wall. I can see the various connections between parts and the whole is starting to take shape.
This has been an interesting exercise in confidence, patience, perseverance, and motivation. Writing something of this length in a 72 hour time period takes a kind of mental discipline I had not tested in myself before.
Perhaps this is my own “marathon” experience. I found my “wall” of the race and I had to push through. At times I felt completely isolated while being surrounded by too much–too many ideas, too many directions, too many tangents. My best moments have been when I’ve been able to stop and smell the roses–walk the dog, help dig that big rock out of the garden, feed the birds. These were all distractions and moments for ideas to congeal, to connect.
Faith that those things will happen on such a hard time schedule has been difficult to maintain. I can see now that I will complete this project. I need to keep the discipline up. This paper is far from done. There are many more readings, edits, and re-readings ahead. There are two important pieces still unwritten. They are malformed gelatinous ideas in my head and I will pull them together but probably no longer tonight.
Tonight I will re-read the twelve pages I have constructed so far. This is the first hour the separate parts I had been working on are all together in one document. I’ll need to look at transitions and watch for unnecessary redundancy.
Clearly I will pass the fifteen page limit and have to edit some more. But for today, I must only do more menial tasks. Clean up. Proofread. Back up the files.

Gosh this is a gauntlet of emotions. Brilliance one moment and disgusting mediocrity the next.
I now have lots of pages of writing but I haven’t written out the personal role section yet. In addition I’m struggling with a) how the twelve pages I have fit together and b) how to keep the dang thing to fifteen pages total. Who knew I’d be struggling with a paper that is too long?
Of course, I’m not really struggling with that yet. I’m mostly still struggling with a paper that is a collection of parts and not yet woven together.
My goal is still to have something that resembles one intact paper by the end of today. I’m afraid that time is coming soon.

Mocha frappe and a re-read of the perspective section along with the rubric has lead me to reject (quite angriliy) the whole of it. Went back to the drawing board, literally. Turned the newsprint over and drew a concept map LEADERSHIP in the center. Think brain, think!
Off to the re-write.

Ugghh…I’m feeling exhausted. It is definitely time for some kind of extended break. Maybe a nap. No. Playing some music? ughh that feels exhausting.
Dot’s making a mocha milkshake. (Do I seem fixated on food, treats, and chocolate?) Wonder what kind of leader is fueled by chocolate?
Part of the fatigue is definitely coming from thinking about suggesting change to a big monolithic university system. draining.

Hitting a low. I’m feeling overwhelmed by information and ideas and stymied by the task of trying to organize it all into a coherent piece.
My wall is growing index cards. I’m up to 20 taped to the wall and 3 in process. There are also 4 post-its, an e-mail, and the rubric up there. My newsprint of original notes is being overtaken by the notecards.
My aura is feeling crowded by Dot’s presence. Go grocery shopping or work in the garden or something!!
The pistachios are unsalted; good for my blood pressure but I like the salty taste.
Even though the project is not due until Monday I sense the deadline coming at me like a full speed locomotive.
Maybe it’s time for a walk.

Problem Analysis section is solid though not quite complete. I’ve moved on to the Perspective section. Here is the meat of the connections between theory and practice. I have to describe my underlying theoretical perspective in educational theory and leadership theory. So far, I’ve quoted Feinberg, Giroux, and Dewey. That’s all good on the education front but I need to look more at the Leadership perspective. My problem needs Visionary Leaders (don’t they all) and I think I’m working from an organic leadership perspective. There are different frames that I will use as I move the project along (Numbers, Symbolic, Human Resources, and Political) but I haven’t managed to articulate that yet.
I’m hoping to post a picture of me and my desk “in action” soon.